


One that got away

by Youremyalways



Category: Bellarke - Fandom, The 100, the hundred - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Bellamy brooding, Bellarke, Canon Compliant, F/M, Grief, Im emotional, all the feels, grieving bellamy, post 4x13, season5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-28
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-09-01 15:58:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16768300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Youremyalways/pseuds/Youremyalways
Summary: The first month on the ark after spacekru leaves Clarke behind.Basically Bellamy being a mess and the group supporting him.





	1. Prologue

Burns coated her body like a thick layer of paint, enormous cysts and cuts oozing with blood over every inch. You couldn’t even tell there once was skin there, every part of her tattered and destroyed. It was the hopelessness in her eyes, though, that truly sank Bellamy’s heart to his feet like an anchor being downcast. He’d seen Clarke hurt before. He had lost her, gotten her back, seen her loss, seen her kill, and he even killed for her. She had been through worse things than any human, nevermind a teenager, should ever have to face in their life. But still, through all of it she remained his beacon. When he looked at her, he saw hope that didn’t exist. She had this remarkable ability to see the best in the worst, and it kept him grounded. So right now, seeing all of that hope gone… it crushed him. It felt like a vice was wrapped around his heart.

Her hair was in clumps, tangled and stuck to itself and to her pale face with blood. The sheer amount of the substance was incomparable to anything he had ever seen. He didn’t even know that amount of blood could come out of a human body. The liquid coated her lips and trailed down her chin, spilling out all over her face, neck, and hair. She looked so vulnerable.

Clarke was whining, and shaking uncontrollably in his lap. The only thing lively about her were those ocean blue eyes, which were slowly becoming less blue and seeping into gray.

“It’s your fault.” She turned her head to look him dead in the eyes, suddenly looking a little less dead.

“I’m sorry,” He cried, the sound echoing throughout space.

“You left me to die alone.” She spoke with an accusatory tone as tears started rolling down her ashen face.

“Please…” He begged.

“You’re too late. Too late...” She whispered as her eyes closed and her voice faded away.

There is no feeling he could ever experience that would be worse than the feeling of Clarke’s once lively body falling limp in his arms. He was holding so much more weight, both in his hands and on top of his shoulders. He’d lost her, and he never even got to tell her-

“BELLAMY!” 

And suddenly he shot up. It was pitch black, and the air was stale. His heart was racing, chest tight and breathing labored. It was all a dream- again. He took a few deep breaths, bringing his hand up to his forehead, and swiping through the hair there. It felt so real, like she was really there in his arms. It always took a minute to come out of the dream and shake off the guilt and sorrow of his mind’s creations. Because she may not have died in his arms, but she was still dead. It was still his fault. 

He leaned down against his hand, and slowly moved just his eyes to see which one of his friends was next to him this time. 

He didn’t have to look very long to notice that it was Raven standing over him, her hand firmly placed on his shoulder. He could tell he had woken her up because her hair was down, which it never normally was.

“Hey.” She furrowed her eyebrows, concern evident on her face.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up.” Bellamy mumbled as he tried to catch his breath, still feeling sweat drip down his forehead.

“Clarke again?” The engineer asked in a soft tone, ignoring his apology completely.

He just nodded and looked the other way to catch his breath and get his emotions under control. They’d only been on the ring for five nights, and every single one of them had ended the same way. He woke up, covered in sweat and tears, throat sore from screaming. 

Everytime it ended with Bellamy waking up after seeing Clarke die, and a friend on his side asking if he was okay. Sometimes it was Raven, sometimes Monty, even Murphy went one night.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Raven asked, removing her hand from his shoulder, concern dripping from her tone.

“No.” He answered almost immediately, eyes crazed.

Talking about it only made it more real, and he couldn’t deal with his emotions. He had to be their leader. He had to prove he was strong. They looked to him, and he couldn’t be weak. He had to use his head and ignore his heart. It was just damn hard to do that when both screamed out for Clarke.

“Bellamy this is the fifth night in a row-” She started, but he cut her off.

“I said no!” He snapped and Raven flinched just the slightest bit, making him soften his tone and allow his shoulders to sink back down, “I will deal with it.” 

Raven sighed, not buying his crap, but then nodded. She had to have some leeway. Bellamy just said goodbye to his sister for half a decade, and barely a day later lost the best friend and partner he’d ever had. Sometimes time and space was just needed, Finn’s death taught her that. So, she wasn’t going to pry for now.

“Ok. I just want you to know that you don’t have to do this alone. We all miss her, we just want to help,” She gave him a second, but he didn’t budge so she concluded, “I’ll leave you be. Just… try to get some sleep, okay?”

Bellamy nodded absentmindedly, knowing very well that if he closed his eyes he would see Clarke again. 

Raven walked to the door, turned around one last time to see him, and then left the room, closing the door behind her. She wasn’t content leaving, knowing in her heart that Bellamy was no better off. No matter how much she told him they would support him, she couldn’t force him to do anything.

She fell asleep that night knowing that they were up here for another five years, so if time was what he needed he had plenty of that. 

She just hoped that’s all it was.


	2. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monty and the rest of the group can't let what happened to Jaspar happen to Bellamy

For being a ship built for thousands, the ark sure felt pretty small. 

Granted, they did tend to stay in one wing, all of them in shouting distance from one another. It was too early to be comfortable on the arc, but it provided at least a little peace to be close to everyone in case something ever did go wrong. So maybe it was the lack of exploration that made them feel claustrophobic. But on the other hand, maybe it was only seeing the same six people everyday that made it feel so compressed, or maybe it was how empty the ship felt. Everything Bellamy remembered of the ark was nothing but phantom. The bustling halls, loud chatter, friends… Most of all, the secrecy. 

He had never been on the ark in a time where he wasn’t a criminal, or at least covering for one. It almost felt wrong. He tried to tell himself that that’s why it felt empty and cramped, because it was so unfamiliar. And maybe that was part of it, but any fool could tell that wasn’t why it was empty to him.

It was empty because she wasn’t here.

Clarke wasn’t by his side, and nothing could ever feel more lonely than that. 

It’s been three weeks since the group first took up residence on the spacecraft. Bellamy, Raven, Monty, Murphy, Echo, Harper, and Emori that is. The nightmares still came every night, and they hadn’t gotten any better. Bellamy’s friends had sort of stopped coming when the screams started, because he had started waking himself up. Another factor was that they reached the point where they realized nothing they said changed anything. He was going to blame himself and brush them off no matter what. He wasn’t cracking. 

It was the third thursday in space when Monty finally decided that they had to have a serious conversation about it. He woke up to the sound of ear piercing screams, and sobs that rocked him to his core. They were so loud, and so intense. He’d never heard somebody cry like that. It was like he was being eaten alive or something, the sound raspy and strangled. 

“Clarke no!” He heard as he slowly sat up in his bed. 

It was like he could hear Bellamy’s heart breaking. During the day he was strong, a leader. But at night, he was vulnerable. All of the emotions came to the surface and it broke the crew to witness how truly broken Bellamy was. 

That night Monty got out of his bed, and instead of going to talk to Bellamy, he went to every door except his. Something had to be done. 

He couldn’t live with himself if he let what happened to Jaspar happen to Bellamy. Grief is a heavy burden to bare, and it’s even heavier when it’s carried alone.

No surprise came when Monty learned that all of his friends were already awake in their respective beds. He assumed they would be, none of them could sleep through Bellamy’s screams either. 

Murphy was the last door in the hall, and with the steady gathering of people behind him, Monty quickly opened his door.

“It’s not my shift, is it?” John joked at the sound of his door opening.

“Murphy come to the bridge.” 

Murphy’s heart picked up it’s pace as he jumped out of bed, his mind automatically jumping to the worst conclusions. Monty’s tone was deadly serious. Were they going to die? Was oxygen running out? Was the algae not growing?

It didn’t take five minutes for Monty to be standing amongst five very tired teenagers in the ark’s most valuable point. They all looked exhausted and much too skinny. Rationing food meant for three weeks into two months would do that to a person.

“We have to talk about Bellamy.” Monty stated, looking over the group in front of him.

“Okay. Agreed, but shouldn’t I don’t know… Bellamy be here for this?” Raven prodded, crossing her arms over her chest.

“We have to talk about what we can do to help him, so no, he can’t exactly tell us how to do that. Plus, all he’d say is how he’s ‘fine’” Monty elaborated.

“Which he’s clearly not.” Echo added.

“Monty… Bellamy is tough. There are only two people in this world he let into that hard exterior, and neither of them are here. I think we just need to have some patience.” Emori shrugged.

Monty blinked, wishing so bad that Clarke or Octavia could be here right now to talk to Bellamy. To let him grieve.

“I understand you guys want to help, believe me I do. But, I agree that we let him grieve.” Raven shrugged, “I don’t think anything we can say is gonna make a difference. Sometimes you just need time.” 

“Monty, I have to side with Raven here. It’s only been three weeks, Clarke was a huge part of Bellamy’s life, it’s going to take time for him to deal with her death. I can check on him tonight, you all go back to bed,” Harper announced and the group started to break away, siding with Raven.

They all started walking away from where Monty stood, backs turning to the engineer.

“Is that what Jaspar needed?! Time?!” Monty called out after them in a last ditch effort to get them to stay, voice emotional and bitter.

They all froze where they stood, turning around again to face him, this time with sorrowful looks on their faces.

“Monty, this is different.” Harper came towards him, raising her hand and wrapping her fingers around his forearm slowly.

“How? Jaspar was so lost after the woman he loved died that he went so far off the edge…” He stopped to recollect himself before continuing, “he killed himself. I gave up on helping him, I thought he just needed ‘time’. His grief ate him alive. He never recovered from that loss.” Monty’s voice wavered and it was clear in that moment that he was back in time, holding Jaspar’s face in his hands and telling him he loved him once again.

Everyone was silent, reflecting on the day Monty had come back from the dying Polis and told them that Jaspar had died. That was a day that truly solidified how different their lives were now. On the ark they were so separate, so secluded. Everybody was kept in line, and if you weren’t, then you were floated. Only when they reached earth did they start living. They started to realize the best and worst parts of life. The pain of grief, the happiness of freedom, the guilt of sacrifice. Jaspar was so happy before, earth altered him in irreversible ways. Love killed everything about him that was free and happy. As he disappeared into the void, the group was forced to realize how many mistakes they’d made. How many bodies were on their hands. How they were so far from being good guys.

“I can’t watch the same thing happen to Bellamy.” Monty concluded, “I can’t.”

Harper’s head fell onto his shoulder, trying to provide him with warmth and comfort. 

“This is ridiculous. If anyone in azgeda whined this much they’d be dead by now.” Echo scoffed, eyebrow raising up.

“Thanks for the input,” Emori smiled sarcastically before continuing, “Monty, respect and all, but Jaspar and Mia were in love.”

Monty sort of laughed, humorlessly before he spoke, “Can anyone of you tell me right now that Bellamy Blake was not in love with Clarke Griffin?”

They all remained silent.

“If we don’t interven-” Monty started, but then was cut off by the sound of boots coming to the door.

“What the hell is this?” They all turned to see Bellamy standing in the door frame, anger and confusion painted across his face.

“Bellamy,” Raven looked at him, trying to hide surprise, “Why are you up?”

“I was taking a walk… are you meeting without me?” And the anger slid off his face, suddenly replaced with betrayal. 

“We’re not meeting without you, we’re just…” Emori elaborated, “worried.”

“About?” He stepped forward and crossed his arms over his chest.

“About you, dumbass.” Murphy tilted his head towards Bellamy.

“Stop.” He bit his bottom lip, clearly the anger was just barely covering the sadness and guilt he was still feeling.

The dreams took a toll on him, an unbearable toll, and he couldn’t hide that. Dealing with a bunch of them breathing worry down his throat wasn’t something he could do well right now. It was hard enough to pretend he was okay to one of them, but all of them… 

“Bellamy,” Raven stepped forward, swallowing as she approached him, “When Finn died, you were there for me. You supported me, so I didn’t go off the rails. I just want to help you the way you helped me. No matter how strong you are… you can’t shoulder this alone.” 

“You’re wasting your time. I’m fine.” Bellamy gave a tight smile.

“You’re not fine. You care so much about everyone else, why won’t you let us care about you! We’re not gonna stand by and watch you explode!” Monty raised his voice, so sick of the lies.

“Monty, I am not Jaspar!” Bellamy blew up, fear and anger feuling him, “I am not going to explode!”

Everybody winced at the sudden raise of voice, eyes widening as they watched Bellamy scream at his friend. Monty wasn’t the bad guy, and Bellamy knew that, but right now so much fear and guilt was running through his body that he had to take it out on the closest person possible. He was so emotional, and it was easier to express that as anger than as what it really was.

Greif. Sorrow. Guilt. Horror.

Monty was red in the face as he elaborated, “That’s not the point! I barely got to tell him I loved him before he died. He was my best friend! I know how hard it is to lose someone so important to you, but the only way it gets better, the only way, is to talk about it and let it out! Keeping it locked up is going to kill you!” 

“You know what Monty,” Bellamy bit his lip, tears balancing on his red lids, “at least he knew you loved him.”

There was no anger left in his tone, only a sick, broken sound that went right through Monty’s chest.

“Bellamy.” Raven sighed, fully approaching him and reaching for his shoulder to steady him, but he backed away, “she knew.”

“You don’t know that!” He accused, eyes fiery.

“She trusted you with her life! She sacrificed herself for you! She led with you! You didn’t let her pull that trigger alone at mount weather, Bellamy. If all of that doesn’t tell you how she felt about you than I don’t know what will.” She yelled.

Bellamy just shook his head, turning away from the group. Tears finally started to fall, but he couldn’t give in to it. He had to be strong for them. He was terrified that if he started to cry he would never be able to stop. It was easier to lock it down and ignore it. He just thought for a second, about Clarke and how she died for them. How she sacrificed herself for him, and how it should have been him instead of her. 

“How about you?” Bellamy suddenly turned and looked at Murphy.

“Me?” John raised his eyebrows in amusement.

“Yeah. You think I need a fucking therapy session?” Bellamy growled.

Truth be told, he was hoping that Murphy would back his play. If anyone in that room would agree that locking away emotions was a good thing, it was John. He could be ruthless, and was not at all a sentimental type. Bellamy was counting on that coming through now.

“All I know,” He threw his hands up in mock surrender, “...is that when we first landed on the ground you told Charlotte that in order to slay her demons at night, she had to deal with them in real life.” 

“You don’t have to believe us, Bellamy. Just… believe yourself.” Emori added, a small smile tugging up the right corner of her lips.

“I’m your leader. I will get it together.” He growled, and it sounded more like he was trying to convince himself.

“There is no hierarchy up here, Bellamy. We all need each other, and all of us need to be able to rely on one another.” Echo crossed her arms before scoffing sarcastically, “like I would voluntarily follow any one of you.”

Silence wrapped around the group for a good minute or so, everybody looking at Bellamy expectedly. 

“I’m going back to bed. You should too.” He stated, before turning his back to the group and beginning to walk towards his room.

“Bellam-” Monty yelled.

The older Blake just paused and turned around for a second, “I will think about it, okay? All of you get some sleep.” 

And with that he disappeared into the dark hallways of the ark.

Well, progress was progress.


	3. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter. Bellamy finally releases what's been locked up for so long.

Tension existed in the air the next morning, wrapping around the group like a blanket. They dodged the subject and instead made small talk that was both boring and excruciating to maintain. It was present when they sat around the table eating algae, and again as Raven sat working on the radio as they all watched.

Bellamy was sitting silently by Raven’s side, obediently handing her the supplies she asked for. There was still an emptiness to his expression, like he was just a shadow of a man that he used to be. It was hard to think of him as the same person that had hung John Murphy by his throat and tortured a grounder for info just a year ago. The hope he once saw in himself and humanity was absent. What was the point if she wasn’t here with him?

At least if the radio got working he might be able to hear and talk to his sister again. Maybe that would cheer him up. As Emori said, his sister was the only person left that could break through.

“Can I borrow Bellamy for a sec?” Suddenly Monty came around the corner, head poking into the room.

“Socket wrench…” Raven asked undeterred, and as Bellamy handed off the tool, she stated, “go ahead.” 

Bellamy nodded, and rose from his chair in order to walk over to Monty.

“What?” He questioned as he approached the engineer.

“I want to show you something, come on.” 

Monty turned his back and started walking, leaving Bellamy to follow him absentmindedly. He asked questions as to where they were going, but received no answers that gave away anything. 

It was ten minutes before the two reached the ark’s prison. Monty paused right outside of the airlock, taking a deep breath before reaching for the door. They both stared at the long hallway, enveloped in darkness and steel. It was cold and harsh, memories of a time long ago flooding Monty’s mind. 

“Deja vu.” Monty spoke before taking the first step into the prison, Bellamy in tow.

“Monty, what are we doing here?” Bellamy furrowed his eyebrows, utterly confused at this point.

“You’ll see.” He mumbled, continuing to walk deeper into the hallway.

It was another two minutes before the two men stood outside another closed door.

“Monty, what the hell?”

“Just look.” He stated as he slid the door open.

The room was completely covered in drawings, tree branches wrapping around from the floor to the ceiling. Birds and butterflies. Water and land. It was beautiful, and Bellamy couldn’t help but stumble backwards. He was absolutely taken aback. Awestruck. His jaw fell slack, mouth open a wide as his eyes.

He didn’t need Monty to tell him this was Clarke’s cell. He knew.

“They kept her in isolation up here.” Monty commented, seemingly unnecessarily. 

Bellamy walked into the room completely against his own will. His body carried him with no permission from his mind. It was like an instinct to gravitate towards her. He slowly approached the furthermost wall, reaching up a gentle hand and stroking a single branch from the sharp tip to the secure base. As his finger traced the drawing, tears began to fall down his cheeks. It was the first time he cried since he left her behind. The drawings just made her seem so distant. Seeing such a big piece of her just made him realize even more that she was gone.

She was gone and wasn’t coming back.

He collapsed to his knees. His head fell into his palms as he truly let go of all of the emotions he had held back for so long. Monty rushed forward and fell beside him, easily grabbing him and wrapping his arms around his body. Bellamy turned into his shoulder and sobbed into the tear-soaked material. His friend was shushing him, and rubbing his shoulder in support.

“It’s all my fault.” Bellamy confessed, the words coming out as more of a choked sob than an actual phrase.

He expected Monty to deny it, to dismiss his claim and make up some crap to make him feel better. 

To his surprise, all he got was, “Let it out.”

And so he did.

He went on and on about how it should’ve been him that died, and that he never should have let her go to the satellite alone. How he knew how dangerous it was and sent her anyway.

How it killed him that she died all alone.

How he missed her every second of every single day.

“I never got to tell her that I loved her.” Bellamy sobbed, tears dripping off f his growing beard.

Monty just held him as he shook and cried for over an hour. Small words of encouragement were whispered every few minutes, but mostly he listened.

He listened and felt his heart break several times over, thinking of the pain he felt when it was Jaspar that died.

After a while of crying and silence, Bellamy pulled away from Monty and took a deep, stabilizing breath.

“How do you feel?” Monty asked with a sad smile.

“I…” Bellamy was about to lie, but he actually did feel okay in that moment, “Better actually.”

“We told you that you just needed to get it out.” Monty raised his eyebrows in an ‘I told you so’ gesture.

Bellamy just laughed before turning around and resting his back against the wall, scanning his eyes over the drawings decorating every inch of the room.

“How’d she even get charcoal in here?” Monty laughed, leaning back against the wall next to Bellamy.

Bellamy just smirked, wiping the last tear from his cheek. Feeling somewhat at peace for the first time in weeks, he just responded with pride,

“Because she’s Clarke.”

Because she was Clarke.

He solemnly swore right then that he would live on.

He would live on for her.


End file.
